Just everything
I don't know what to do anymore. Now that at least my country (Sweden) moves towards further lockdowns, the chance for me to find anyone to hang out with deteriorates. I just feel that I'll never have the chance to hang out with people again. It's not like I was not already lonely before.
Also, I feel so totally worthless. I have not had a girlfriend for 12 years. In that time I've been on like two dates total. I know that I am the most uninteresting, boring, stupid person there is but I don't know why I had to be dealt this card. I am also very short (for a guy), quite overweight, and not ethnically Swedish, something that is not positive when it comes to the dating scene here.
It was also 12 years ago since I had sex. I know that it's a ridiculous thing to measure anything on. But for me it has more and more become something I value myself from. It feels so stupid to do that. But during those 12 years, I was active in my student union and in the student life for more than 5 years, and even though I tried getting dates, one night stands and what not, I was always the one who went home alone.
Now, a long time after I ended my studies and my engagement in the student life, I also have realised that a lot of people really really disliked me in general. I can now see many many reeasons to why that would have been and I guess that it's a big part of my loneliness now. For example, one thing that I have heard a lot of times, but maybe not really realised, is that I'm way too self absorbed and egoistic, that I'm a bad listener and that I don't care about others. I never thought of myself like that but during the past years I have come to change my view. I'm trying to work on that but I know that I'm not going to succeed.
Another thing that I did very recently, a thing that I now regret, is that I created an "online board game group" on Facebook and invited those who still can stand me. I realised that it was a mistake. I don't want people to feel that they have to accept just to be nice when they don't want to. I know myself how hard it is to say no to someone, especially someone who is sad or depressed, even if you really don't have the time to be with that person. Now I just feel that I've forced people into hanging with me, and I know that all these people have their own life and families and don't have place for me in their lives.
I should really just remove myself from everyones lives so that I don't affect anyone in such a negative way that I always do. It's just that it's so hard to do and I don't know how I can make myself go through with it. I also don't know how to begin? Should I start by removing all my social media accounts? Sometimes I just wish that I had the courage to just end everything, but having had a family member who took her own life I know that it's something that I will never do.
I do have a family (father and step-mother) that I am fairly close to. Many of you here probably have it much worse than me. I do realise that in the big picture I do have so much more than many others and I don't really have any reason to feel lonely. It makes me really feel like a failure to be like this.
I'm sorry for this really long and probably not very coherent or gramatically correct rant. I just had to write a bit somewhere and I didn't know where else to post this.
